Restart.

It looks like I'm starting another blog. and hopefully this one will sound a lot better than previous ones. This will be my best one yet.

http://jayeldee.tumblr.com/




and here's some older stuff i forgot to post too. all my past years i guess you could say. haha.

http://skrattle.livejournal.com/




well, follow me now on that top one!

Just My Luck?

A little while before leaving to my own house this weekend to pick something up, I ended up having some chinese food along with a fortune cookie. Of course, always curious as to what it says, I had to wait till I was done eating and do it the honorable, more truthful way. The way you're supposed to do it. Open the cookie, don't look at the fortune, eat the full cookie and make sure it is all digested, then look:


You will find good fortune in love.
06 11 39 41 45, 18


I couldn't help to feel my heart turn around and crumble up the paper and hold it in the middle of my closed palm. Then I just released and figured, I have to remember in sense, why I'm here. I decided to keep it, for personal reasons.

Vision 1-1

The one escape I have. Where I can leave the world for good, for such a short period of time. No drugs, no alcohol needed. Just my 5 stages called sleep.


I was talking to Brian and I realized something. The battle within my mind comes out quite a bit within dreams. All my thoughts I don't want to reveal, the crap I'm afraid of so much, all this that I don't like to see happen. Vomiting, getting shot, dying, darkness and evil, and just bad situations in general. This is my only escape. Through dreams, and yet sometimes I still feel constricted in such a tight veil. It's supposed to be my dream and my thoughts being able to be controlled, but instead I watch it like a movie and there's nothing I can do to change it. I'm just watching something strange, something unbalanced not foreseen.

Sure, it's nice to have an unpredictable dream, but this is simply my dream, and I want to control it the way I want it to go. It is my mind ya know?

Intimate.

A very intimate and important thing to me; when I'm with a girl and experiencing the stars.

With how fascinated I am by those glaring beautiful lights, something so far away yet to seem like just little holes in a ceiling leading to heaven, no one can understand the beauty that I find within them. Something that I hold so dear. Something I hold so so so dearly to my heart. The closer lights are the fireworks, but they mean the same to me too. It's like watching the stars. Same importance.


Oh someday Joey, someday...

Creationalism.

There's a silence I love listening to. It has all of the sounds I've wanted. My mind concocts it. Not a single simple note is played and the sounds are already bouncing through my head.

I have this painting that is so hard to make. I can't think of every detail I want to add to help create. To help create what I love to use most passionately. What thinks so strongly. It hurts beyond reason, but never gives up to stay strong. A small incident and it feels like living is an infection. Bugs are scattering through and I'm just lost, hurt in my own stupid reasons. Whether it deals with me or not, there is still an effect on what path I may choose or if functioning is even a question.

It's no more though. The painting has continued. It's living on. It's adding those in that'll never be forgotten, and is never erasing. The canvas seems small, but it sure can pack a lot. And everything is visible. Every single detail. Everything has a part, small and big. Nothing is left out. Everything is there.


"It's creating yourself that's important, not finding yourself."

Silence.

Yeah, it's been a hard trail, I have to admit that much. There's still something inside me through all this that i honestly just can't cope with.

i just want to be friends. we don't even have to get back together, but i need to know you're ok. i know you're angry at me in everyway, i wouldn't see why not. i really messed up. I wish I would have been more stable and neutral. Things would have been ok. I'm sorry I wasn't stable enough. I've never taken heartbreak this badly before. I wish I could turn back time and just, when it first happened, I still should have been hopeful. I don't care how much you hurt me. Honestly, I don't. You seem to forget I did it to you too. But I was willing to make everything up.

When I'm angry, I say things I don't mean. You know I didn't mean what I said. We get at each others throat sometimes. It's life. Doesn't mean I didn't love you.
Remember what I wrote in your postsecret book? It was the truth to the fullest, because no one has ever done that for me.

I'm sorry I cracked when I talked about my sister and everything went downhill from there. Honestly, I'm very sorry. It's just I felt really comfortable around you, so I could tell you anything possible.

Yeah, you know, even being honest, I somehow overreacted. I should have been more neutral about everything.

And you know, I remember how much I wanted to be like you, and it made me sad that I feel like I couldn't, and you always told me not to worry about it and it's good for who I am. And you know what? I realized, you're right. It's good to be with someone who has differences because it makes them that much more interesting and cool to be around. I was just too naive to see that because I was so sucked into other factors.


It's like everyday, there's a thought of you in my head, and I'm trying to let go, but I can't. I'm just trying to cope with everything possible. I want to text or call just to know you're ok.
I know you're angry at me. I would be too after all what happened. It's just, I tried so hard, and everything I was doing wasn't working at all.
I feel like I failed, but I really don't know.


I hope you forgive me. And I hope we can talk soon. I would love to leave a text or call, but I'm afraid you'd never get back to me. I know you said we need space and maybe we do. I don't know if it's killing you but it sure is killing me in everyway. But maybe it's for the best? I honestly do not have a clue.

This has honestly been one of the hardest weeks of my life. It's like right below my sister passing away, so everyone knows how hard that is. In fact, my biggest fear happened. I lost you. I hate losing those I love, and I always fear it. I lost my little sister, I lost some of my friends, and now I've lost you, and now I'm trying to deal with that fear. It something I can't get over. It's just something I have to deal with.

I know this isn't all my fault, so everything can be worked out somehow. We don't have to get back together. Honestly, I don't even want that at the moment. I just want us to be at least friends and be good friends again, because it's driving me nuts that it's just silence between us.

I am Content.

I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content.

urgh.

just fucking tell me. what's on your mind? tell me the truth, cause it's causing me more pain you not saying anything. you know who you are...

Too Late.

I wish she knew how bad I was hurting. I haven't felt this lonely in my life, ever.

Maybe this will teach me to treat someone with better respect next time, if there ever is a next time.
Agh, my heart hurts way too much. All those stupid mistakes I made, all those choices that I regret, and now there's no going back. I'm just too late. I made some of the stupidest decisions of my life, and this is my punishment for doing so. I can't even explain how much I'm hurting, but I can't let her know how much or even that i'm in pain. how am i going to be able to hide this from her?


never mind, disregard that :)

Chapter Less Than Three

I'll never forget the time that I first met you at the show. I didn't think of you for the two times I saw you, but it wasn't until I heard what you did to cause me to take a huge chance with you. One that made me stronger and one that taught me a lot. We have had many good memories together, always giving kisses and hugs, saying good night and good morning every day, and missing each other like any lover would.

No one's perfect, but this sure felt very close to it. I've spent so many cute ideas on you, but nah, that never ends. That's just how I am. I buy things for people. I make things for people. I like spending money on people. It's something I do. Of course I'll do it more for the people I really love.

I know that we ended up loving each other so much, and to this day, we still do love each other and we're there to take care of each other. I know the last month or two has been really hard for the both of us, but we still tried to get through it. But the decision you made started to make me go crazy, and for two weeks too! But what I didn't realize is you're taking this hard too. We both were. We both still really wanted each other, but it seemed too stressful, and actually for the both of us.

A realization- We're still growing up. It's sad and happy to say this part of our lives isn't even the hard part. I'm glad however this didn't turn as ugly as it could have. Keeping our space caused me to lose my mind. But people helped, and I finally got the last of everything to you, my final confrontation for peace. I let my heart lose control for once. I've never felt like that before. I forgot what it was like to be a friend and lost it. I've never lost so much control as to deal with something, but we're finally at peace. We figured everything out. And as I left, I knew you still cared for me a lot, as the same with me.

It was like a movie as I was going away, and waiting for friends to pick me up. The sun was giving me all its warmth and love as I stood there realizing that this was the end of this chapter, and that I could finally breathe again and know everything was going to be fine, no matter what. And I'm able to do that now. I am at peace knowing that you're ok and that I am too. Sure, we lost our sanity for a bit, we both put each other through a lot through this and our own stress already, but we did it. Even if we aren't together, all I care about right now is being friends. That's all I care about, because being friends with you makes me more than happy. Who knows, something really good could happen with the both of us again, cause I'll never lose the piece of my heart that has you in it.

We can both start a new chapter in our lives now still being able to be friends with each other.



EPILOGUE

I didn't expect it to get any better, but it let me know even better when you apologized to me, and I was able to do the same. It made me feel good you sent that text and that we were able to talk again. And it was sure that we were friends again leaving happy faces in the texts. And the fact that we can talk to each other whenever we want makes me even more happy. Now we can take our lives in other directions and still be a part of each others lives, and in a happy way too. You have no idea how joyful that makes me. We've figured out the steps we have to take right now, and I'm glad that we can still help each other out whenever we can and whenever we want, can say a hi to each other, and still hang out. It's beyond great. Who knows what the future holds for us. To get back together or to find someone else? Who knows, just being able to be friends with you is more than I could ever ask for <3

Release my Heart.

I haven't been able to deal with this. My mind nor my body can't even function right. I've been getting really sick when I eat, or feeling sick because of stomachaches. I feel like I have no motivation left, no passion, no anything left.

Grrrrr. She doesn't fucking understand! When she starts dating some other jerk (although she said she won't and she probably will for rebound or to just get her mind off me because we need space) she'll realize that she'll miss me, and to be honest, she'll probably be too late, so that's her fault! she doesn't know how bad i'm taking this, or what it would have been like if she broke up with me. She doesn't understand that I have really hard emotional problems and mad depression. I've felt so sick in my mind and body for over a month straight now, and my body is continually hurting. I don't think I can take much more of this.





I really think I need to go to a therapist and be medicated. She never thought I needed that, but than again, partly the reason she left me was because it was too stressful to see me go through this, so apparently she wanted me to stay strong when I'm way to weak to right now. She doesn't understand one damn bit. She's too close minded to see that.


I can't be alone for too long, or I start losing it. I wish I didn't have to sleep alone at night...

.

I don't belong anywhere at all. enough said. end of story.

Lost in the Stained Glass.

I want her back. so bad. and my hope this weekend - crushed.

i really hope she says what she means because otherwise this could turn out a lot different. but then again, she has to make the most honest decision ever, so she'll have to do then i guess. Still, I want to finish that painting in my heart again, and fill whole. I don't necessarily feel empty at all, of course that's not the problem. The problem is that I have a hole, and it doesn't want to be filled up until a final choice is made.


I need to have that painting in my heart finished before I decide to move and expand the colors of it.

Cracking the Mind.

I didn't think I would actually start really losing it, but I really am now. I never thought I would crack. Oh no, Joey's so strong, I'll always be this way. I'm the one that has to take care of everyone else. I'm the strength of the family. I'm the one, the key, the real key. I'm the one told with the interesting and very fulfilling future. Bullshit. I can't even take care of myself.

Yep, I just cried again. I can't hold myself anymore. I'm losing it. I'm losing it. I'm losing it so badly. I'm really losing it.



I've cracked. I'm such an emotional wreck right now. I just need someone to cry on. I need someone.

Where can I call Home?

Lately, I don't know what's been wrong with me. Nowhere feels like home, like I'm not meant to be here. I've been feeling so depressed lately and I don't know why. I mean in high school and more near the first year of college and such, depression is something I could deal with on a regular basis. Lately though, because I've held so much in within the past 5-7 years, I can't too much of this anymore.

I feel sick to my stomach. I create crappy headaches. My heart's been hurting more than ever, and I mean literally clenching and physically hurting. I'm losing all my energy. I feel this nothingness, and I don't know what to do.

Last week, me and Katie got into a fight, and after we made up, I was still in a bad mood, but at least I could talk to her on a positive note. But seriously, I haven't done this for 9-10 years, but after mentioning something about my sister, I started bawling on her. I really can't explain why. Just something really serious and sad sparked when I said something about Charly, and I just started crying. We were sitting down facing each other, so she just grabbed me, and I just had my head in her shoulder. She's the only person I can do that to I guess, because she's like my caretaker now when it comes to emotional aspect.

I feel so hopeless, useless, and so lifeless lately. Like nothing I do matters anymore. It's been like this for a week or so now. I'm just a big burden.



And great. I start detox tomorrow for two weeks. Well, say hello to me losing a lot of weight probably although I don't want to.

My Roots in Urban.

Look, I'm not the one to really talk about labels, but really, the urban arts have gotten to me. You know, through music, photography, and other cases of art. Example?






and:






with occasionally:



this sort of based-type music. i guess these bottom two can be considered the more upbeat stuff. haha. (I mean hip-hop's alright, but I like this stuff wayyyyy better). and i don't really have any reggae stuff, but i love the music and the way it sounds whenever i hear it. i have a bob marley cd here and there, but i need more stuff. guess that's what amoeba can help me with.



yeah, that's my form of urbanness, although that's not even a word, but you know what I mean. and i know these aren't all urban in our area alone. you have to go elsewhere to understand some of these sorts of music to be urban.

White Hair.

It's weird how one thing can get to you. Everything else could be going so well, and then it's just one thing that hits you right in the face and blocks everything else out, and to add, a small thing (kinda). I really don't understand it.

Stupid Econ class. I hate my Macroeconomics class so much, especially since the teacher sucks. In general, I hate politics and economics, and that's all I've been hearing lately. Yeah, it's a big factor, but for goodness sakes, I'm only 20. What can I do about it? I have no power, and I don't want to hear it. I don't care about secluding myself from the world. It's something that I actually enjoy. And I'm not trying to sound emo at all. Everyone just tries to get you down, so you have to seclude yourself and remember that you're a lot better than that, especially since I'm the one that keeps strong for my family and actually does good in school and am a good friend to most of my friends.


Anyways, that's off topic. Last night, or I should say this morning, I only got about an hour of sleep, and that was on accident. I took about four hour nap yesterday and woke up around 7-7:30 and began studying. I just stopped about 15 minutes ago. Yeah, I've been studying that long, and I'm planning to do that for the rest of the day and stay up the night again and then go to school. Let's also remember I only got four hours of sleep on Sunday, or really, just technically Monday. So basically my sleep is all out of wack.

I don't feel like I deserve anything right now. It sucks because I'm mainly an A-B student, which in the case right now, I have an A in all my classes (with the exception of one, but i'm at a B and I've turned in extra credit and am turning in more extra credit this week, so if that's not an A, than it'll be pretty dang close). But my Econ class is a D, and it seems no matter how hard I try, I'm just getting lower grades, especially after yesterday with th stupid worksheet.
It's strange though because a lot of the class seems to be confused about what's going on, so really, that's the teacher's fault, but now, and I could just be taking this in the wrong way, she makes it feel like I'm stupid because apparently I don't understand this stuff like almost everyone else. If the class average is a 60 on a test, and still up this point no one is understanding too much of the concept, then that's the teacher's fault. So I'm trying my best, but I just feel like an idiot right now.

For the next few days or up until the test next wed, I'm not going to be sleeping much at all, I'm canceling my time of going to Disneyland (sorry Ronni), and I might possibly not go to the Anthony Green show (sorry Katie). This is wiping me out because I feel so stupid and like I'm a bad student. Whatever.


And sorry I haven't been as consistent. Life hits you, ya know?

Alteration.

I figured, I need to start a new schedule. And here's how it's going to go:

-Sundays, I need to start finding a home church I can be connected to with the people and such.
-During the week, I need to head down to the Refuge two to three times a week to start praying. And it doesn't have to be hour long prayers. It can be ten minute, or if I feel led and I have more stuff to pray about, then thirty minutes or more.
-During the week, I need to start taking more photographs and work on self projects more
-Work! Haha, I know I kind of have a job now, but I fear this week is the end of it, unless I actually get hired.
-Start painting pictures when I get free time.
-Begin playing guitar. Acoustic guitar that is. I really want to learn how to play it.
-Really, just do anything art related through music, painting, arts and crafts sort of stuff, writing, etc.
-Obviously go to school, and that's a given along with the studying.


Live a college artists life. Sounds like something I'm going to like.

Battle 0110010100010

So Mario vs. Sonic. Who wins?




I think, Sonic wins, for better nostalgic and growing up reasons ;]

Calm After the Storm.

So maybe this past week and weekend has probably been one of the most down and crappy weeks I've ever had in my life. Ok, so that's definitely an understatement, but the point is made.

Unfortunately, one event I can't tell, but the outcome of it made me realize something. I've never felt so close to Katie in my life. We now understand because of various events that I'll be there for her always, and that she'll always be doing the same, no matter the situation. We're going to hold each others hands and keep progressing. We also haven't had this intense feeling of loving each other more. All it took was this weekend to make me realize that I'm a lot closer to her than I thought I was. I was beginning to become scared that we were breaking off and that maybe not everything was working. I was so depressed because I didn't know what to do for, especially since she had been so down because of her grandpa and his ultimate problem facing death.
In a way, I hated this weekend, but the good thing out of it is that I got to watch and help Katie out in any way I could, and sure enough, I did what I could about that. She is so grateful that I was standing by her side the whole time.

With that said, there's one more bothersome event. All I can say is that now my family can be rejoined in the same house again. I'm just more than glad to know that my older sister is going to be living with us again, and really, with how bad I wanted to cry today seeing her like that, I also couldn't be more happy to know that I'm not alone anymore in this house as the only sibling. Plus, I'm excited me and Ronni can play video games whenever, and I don't have to see her so stressed as she has been anymore, and...


God, I feel like crying typing this. I don't even know what's coming over me. Every thought of this right now is making me feel like this. I'm so sad, but so happy at the same time.

Look, all I can say is I could sense something was wrong, but I could never be too sure of it. Just like I would open my arms for my parents and Katie, I'm just finally glad I'm able to feel like I can do it for my sister again. Ever since the day she moved out about three years ago I think it was, I've always wanted her back home. I've missed her so much. I just can't wait till she comes back. I know it'll be hard for her at first, but I'm willing to take care of her all I can. Just like I'm doing for my mom and dad.

It's like what my mother told me when my little sister passed away, "You're going to have to take care of us now, ok?" I couldn't be happier, but in the moment, so sad to agree.


I have to admit, it's hard. I have to stay so strong for everyone. My dad's at work quite a bit and takes care of the family financially, and I couldn't be happier to have him in my life. My mom's been so drowned in her passion which makes her happy, but even the littlest depressing thought, and she can't control it, and sets in a state of what I consider stoicism and gloom. And then my sister Ronni. I'm going to be honest, but I felt she was lost, for a year or two now. I could feel the pain she had so heavy on her heart, but now she's a lot more free than she used to be. Not only that, it seems that I'm the one trying to keep our family prevalent throughout the rest of our family. I'm the one seeing our grandma most and explaining to her things, even when she cries, and to my grandpa too. I'm the one making the attempt to see my cousins, even if i'm not in the tip top shape to talk to anyone. I have to stay strong for everyone.

It's like what an old friend of mine, Kathleen, said to me, and this is if I can remember correctly, "You're like the pillar of your family. You hold the strength within them." It was something around that context.


I'm a lot more calm now. I got studying done today, and a lot of it. I'm not as stressed out anymore, and I'm doing ok again. Katie seems to be cheered up again, and I know we're both happy with each other again.

This week will start off anew, and I know this will be a better and more relaxing week. Trust me, Ronni needs it, my parents need it, Katie needs it, and I need it.

Concoct the Mental Potions.

Lets lose ourselves in this warp. It's the last chance we'll ever get, because once we're gone, it's the end. We proved we make the world stop and the world go round. We control time. We control space. We control absolutely everything and absolutely nothing.


Today has been a wrecking whirlwind. For once in my life, I really thought I was going to lose it. Lose everything I had and give up on everything. But there's always something that gets me by.

I started out a wreck this morning and stayed in my room, because Katie had been in one of the saddest moods I've ever seen. I had the door closed all day. I didn't even decide to come out of my room till about 4 to go eat, but I had lightened up since Katie wanted me over from not wanting to be alone anymore. I was totally fine by that, and to surprise them, I went to go pick up drinks for her and her sister. Then her sister decided to call me, and what she said ruined my mood. It wasn't exactly from her, but what was going on that night. I didn't want to see anyone else but Katie, so it kind of put me in a down mood. Well, I went there, we went to go pick up pizza, and then came back. It took a while for me to get in a happy mood again, but it sure did when I started tickling Katie a lot. I had to get going because I was meeting friends for dinner at Corky's so I was about to leave, but she mentioned her grandpa and began bawling. I told her I'd come back.

Anyways, so I'm at Corky's having fun with the girls, and I get a very disturbing phone call. It had been Katie, and I knew something was wrong. Katie's sister began punching her for a very stupid reason. And Katie had been crying and wanted me there to calm her down. So I left Corky's early, took my food and left, and we got there, we ended up getting into a fight. I'd say it was my fault for stressing her out even more than she had been. So this went on for a while. By the end up the night though, we laid down, was happy with each other again, and she was going to fall asleep. Hence, it's about 12:30 in the morning now. We kept hearing noises so we wanted to take the dog away from her sister, and she starting making a whole big deal out of it and my goodness she's so stubborn. You can't even get through to her! We're trying to tell her stuff and it's like she's blocking out what we said. So Katie took the dog for protection to go to sleep and I left.

For some reason on the way home, I had a horrible gut feeling something happened, so I called Katie again, and everything was fine, and her sister decided to sleep next to her since the dog was in that room.

So I got home, heated up the rest of my breakfast and tried to get a hold of the girls to tell them what happened. However eating all that was possibly one of the worse ideas I've ever had. I hadn't had such a bad stomach like this in a while now it seems like. And from all of it, on little parts of the rims on the toilet, it looked like I threw up in there.

The Weakest.

I really hated today. All of today. I've been an emotional wreck all day. All I've been doing is going around and around, and I feel sick to my stomach.

This morning on the way to school, I don't know why, but I became so angry. A lot of my past came into my mind and I started to dwell on that. While driving too. It's not a good combination at all. I felt like ramming my car into something. And the mix of that and hearing of Katie's Grandparent's surgery. I don't know, I just deal with things differently.

Class got canceled, and I had bought some hot fries, a drink, and some mint tablets, since I had forgotten to brush my teeth this morning. So I decided I wanted to do something special for Katie then since I didn't have any class. I left a twelve pack of the lipton green tea she loves so much, a bunch of cookies (although I had originally wanted to make cupcakes), a small strawberry ice cream, and fudge bars. She liked that when she got home later after I had left.

When I got home, I decided to visit my photo teacher from high school. That's always good since she's always her quirky and happy self. But man, I hate that school so much. But my sister came over for a while to play some games, but I sense something in her that's a little more hidden. Like something's wrong.

All I've been doing all day is worrying and worrying, non-stop, and I hate it. And I can't help it, that's the problem. And I just don't feel like being around anyone or talking to anyone or nothing. I feel like a bad boyfriend. It's not that I did anything. Actually that's the problem. I feel like I'm doing nothing, and that's wrong. I just don't feel as close as I used to, or as happy as I used to. I don't know, maybe because she's been so down lately, it's gotten to me. I really don't know what to do. I feel so helpless and worthless right now.

New Clothes.

So I've actually been writing on this thing recently. I love it. And wayyyy better than livejournal. I think I'll be able to write more down on here. Plus I like the layout more.

Anyways, here's a few articles of clothing I've been wanting:

D Collection Roger Jacket:



Anchor CPO Jacket:

(lucky for me, these items are on sale right now at Urban Outfitters. Otherwise I'd be like forget that. haha. and you like how i'm getting jackets when it's starting to get warmer. Of course.)

Converse Classic:

I don't know whether I want it in green or what color yet.

Flex Fleece Zip Hoody:

Yes, I know, Purple. I like that color a lot. And I regained it thanks to Katie.

California Fleece Pullover Hoody:

It's either this brown, black, or army colored brown. I'm really loving this shade of brown a lot though.

Hanes T-Shirts:

Yeah. I don't know what colors to get, along with...

Pro Club T-Shirts:

All I need is one of two more of these and I'm done collecting Pro Club T-shirts.

Levi's 511's:

Yeah, I need a new pair of these.


I know that's a lot of money, but eh, it'll all be bought over time, not at once of course.

oh yeah, and a few of these:

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

Goodness, I love this movie so much, but I don't have it on DVD which makes me really sad =[
Anyways, hopefully I'll be able to get it soon because it's something I definitely want in the near future.

In Coming Awakening.

So I decided to create one of these. I don't like capitals all too much, but I feel that maybe I should use them for the purpose of this blogger site and not lead people astray of what I'm trying to get at. Plus, Livejournal wasn't tickling my fancy.

This past week has been an utmost interesting week, and I'm starting to realize the potential I may be able to seek within myself soon enough. Of course, I have somewhat of an ability to photograph certain events at different angles and am able to create music upon the piano, but something else sparked inside of me this past week.

You see, there's this place called The Refuge, and I guess you can think of it as a church, but really, it's not. It's a place for prayer and other necessities concerning the living within Christ and building a foundation of him within the heart. As I've grown up, this has always been my standard, and has definitely created a heart warming place for him to live inside me, but before, I wasn't always the best at showing it. In fact I was probably the worse at it. I could probably have been considered a heretic, a blasphemer. But you know, something awakened inside me last week. Some unexplainable feeling.

I've been having ideas to begin painting again. I mean, in the past, I've only painted one picture as I can remember, and it's ok I guess. I'm not too proud of it. It's just what my mindset was at the moment. But continuing, I've been having the urge to paint once again, and more ideas have been coming into my mind then I can explain. I have to say, now that I think about it, going to that place called The Refuge reassured my feelings about it, in a very positive way. I've always known about The Refuge before, and have gone before, and although I'm not the most comfortable with everything that they may do, I'll be there to support them 110% simply because of their intentions on prayer and other, shall we say, positive artistic factors. Walking into that place simply is just like walking into a complete and perfect art room. Everything you can imagine is there. Instruments such as drums, keyboard/synth, guitar, and bass, going more towards the painting portion, and just the overall soothing ambient waves that pour through your body. Just from walking into that place I felt a presence I've never felt before. It was one of the greatest things I've ever felt in my life though. God's presence is strongly there.

I've walked into churches before and felt absolutely nothing at all, but this place, this place is much different. It's a supernatural feeling that has no words comprehendable behind it. It's just the aura of God's spirit pouring through your body, no matter who you are, and it is the most artistic place I've ever seen in my life.

To be in that place created instant inspiration. I hadn't been in the place since it was finished, since one of the bosses I was working for at the time attends The Refuge, so that was one of his projects, to fix the place up. It is just definitely something I can't explain. And to think I was just there to take pictures of the paintings so they can reuse the canvases.

I've been reading more now. Sometimes I'm stupid enough to forget to read, but reading the bible isn't just reading it. It's taking in the word and trying to soak it in to learn about the teachings of God, so thinking of it in that way definitely makes it more interesting.

But finally what my Photo teacher said is starting to come to me more and more. I've been wanting to write about a book I want to create reflecting me in another character, and situations maybe I've always thought about I could have been in. I have wanted to create more paintings. I want to be more creative in the way I take pictures. I've been wanting to create beautiful piano pieces.

I think I'm starting to define who I really am. A starving and positive artist.