It looks like I'm starting another blog. and hopefully this one will sound a lot better than previous ones. This will be my best one yet.
http://jayeldee.tumblr.com/
and here's some older stuff i forgot to post too. all my past years i guess you could say. haha.
http://skrattle.livejournal.com/
well, follow me now on that top one!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Just My Luck?
A little while before leaving to my own house this weekend to pick something up, I ended up having some chinese food along with a fortune cookie. Of course, always curious as to what it says, I had to wait till I was done eating and do it the honorable, more truthful way. The way you're supposed to do it. Open the cookie, don't look at the fortune, eat the full cookie and make sure it is all digested, then look:
You will find good fortune in love.
06 11 39 41 45, 18
I couldn't help to feel my heart turn around and crumble up the paper and hold it in the middle of my closed palm. Then I just released and figured, I have to remember in sense, why I'm here. I decided to keep it, for personal reasons.
You will find good fortune in love.
06 11 39 41 45, 18
I couldn't help to feel my heart turn around and crumble up the paper and hold it in the middle of my closed palm. Then I just released and figured, I have to remember in sense, why I'm here. I decided to keep it, for personal reasons.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Vision 1-1
The one escape I have. Where I can leave the world for good, for such a short period of time. No drugs, no alcohol needed. Just my 5 stages called sleep.
I was talking to Brian and I realized something. The battle within my mind comes out quite a bit within dreams. All my thoughts I don't want to reveal, the crap I'm afraid of so much, all this that I don't like to see happen. Vomiting, getting shot, dying, darkness and evil, and just bad situations in general. This is my only escape. Through dreams, and yet sometimes I still feel constricted in such a tight veil. It's supposed to be my dream and my thoughts being able to be controlled, but instead I watch it like a movie and there's nothing I can do to change it. I'm just watching something strange, something unbalanced not foreseen.
Sure, it's nice to have an unpredictable dream, but this is simply my dream, and I want to control it the way I want it to go. It is my mind ya know?
I was talking to Brian and I realized something. The battle within my mind comes out quite a bit within dreams. All my thoughts I don't want to reveal, the crap I'm afraid of so much, all this that I don't like to see happen. Vomiting, getting shot, dying, darkness and evil, and just bad situations in general. This is my only escape. Through dreams, and yet sometimes I still feel constricted in such a tight veil. It's supposed to be my dream and my thoughts being able to be controlled, but instead I watch it like a movie and there's nothing I can do to change it. I'm just watching something strange, something unbalanced not foreseen.
Sure, it's nice to have an unpredictable dream, but this is simply my dream, and I want to control it the way I want it to go. It is my mind ya know?
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Intimate.
A very intimate and important thing to me; when I'm with a girl and experiencing the stars.
With how fascinated I am by those glaring beautiful lights, something so far away yet to seem like just little holes in a ceiling leading to heaven, no one can understand the beauty that I find within them. Something that I hold so dear. Something I hold so so so dearly to my heart. The closer lights are the fireworks, but they mean the same to me too. It's like watching the stars. Same importance.
Oh someday Joey, someday...
With how fascinated I am by those glaring beautiful lights, something so far away yet to seem like just little holes in a ceiling leading to heaven, no one can understand the beauty that I find within them. Something that I hold so dear. Something I hold so so so dearly to my heart. The closer lights are the fireworks, but they mean the same to me too. It's like watching the stars. Same importance.
Oh someday Joey, someday...
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Creationalism.
There's a silence I love listening to. It has all of the sounds I've wanted. My mind concocts it. Not a single simple note is played and the sounds are already bouncing through my head.
I have this painting that is so hard to make. I can't think of every detail I want to add to help create. To help create what I love to use most passionately. What thinks so strongly. It hurts beyond reason, but never gives up to stay strong. A small incident and it feels like living is an infection. Bugs are scattering through and I'm just lost, hurt in my own stupid reasons. Whether it deals with me or not, there is still an effect on what path I may choose or if functioning is even a question.
It's no more though. The painting has continued. It's living on. It's adding those in that'll never be forgotten, and is never erasing. The canvas seems small, but it sure can pack a lot. And everything is visible. Every single detail. Everything has a part, small and big. Nothing is left out. Everything is there.
"It's creating yourself that's important, not finding yourself."
I have this painting that is so hard to make. I can't think of every detail I want to add to help create. To help create what I love to use most passionately. What thinks so strongly. It hurts beyond reason, but never gives up to stay strong. A small incident and it feels like living is an infection. Bugs are scattering through and I'm just lost, hurt in my own stupid reasons. Whether it deals with me or not, there is still an effect on what path I may choose or if functioning is even a question.
It's no more though. The painting has continued. It's living on. It's adding those in that'll never be forgotten, and is never erasing. The canvas seems small, but it sure can pack a lot. And everything is visible. Every single detail. Everything has a part, small and big. Nothing is left out. Everything is there.
"It's creating yourself that's important, not finding yourself."
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Silence.
Yeah, it's been a hard trail, I have to admit that much. There's still something inside me through all this that i honestly just can't cope with.
i just want to be friends. we don't even have to get back together, but i need to know you're ok. i know you're angry at me in everyway, i wouldn't see why not. i really messed up. I wish I would have been more stable and neutral. Things would have been ok. I'm sorry I wasn't stable enough. I've never taken heartbreak this badly before. I wish I could turn back time and just, when it first happened, I still should have been hopeful. I don't care how much you hurt me. Honestly, I don't. You seem to forget I did it to you too. But I was willing to make everything up.
When I'm angry, I say things I don't mean. You know I didn't mean what I said. We get at each others throat sometimes. It's life. Doesn't mean I didn't love you.
Remember what I wrote in your postsecret book? It was the truth to the fullest, because no one has ever done that for me.
I'm sorry I cracked when I talked about my sister and everything went downhill from there. Honestly, I'm very sorry. It's just I felt really comfortable around you, so I could tell you anything possible.
Yeah, you know, even being honest, I somehow overreacted. I should have been more neutral about everything.
And you know, I remember how much I wanted to be like you, and it made me sad that I feel like I couldn't, and you always told me not to worry about it and it's good for who I am. And you know what? I realized, you're right. It's good to be with someone who has differences because it makes them that much more interesting and cool to be around. I was just too naive to see that because I was so sucked into other factors.
It's like everyday, there's a thought of you in my head, and I'm trying to let go, but I can't. I'm just trying to cope with everything possible. I want to text or call just to know you're ok.
I know you're angry at me. I would be too after all what happened. It's just, I tried so hard, and everything I was doing wasn't working at all.
I feel like I failed, but I really don't know.
I hope you forgive me. And I hope we can talk soon. I would love to leave a text or call, but I'm afraid you'd never get back to me. I know you said we need space and maybe we do. I don't know if it's killing you but it sure is killing me in everyway. But maybe it's for the best? I honestly do not have a clue.
This has honestly been one of the hardest weeks of my life. It's like right below my sister passing away, so everyone knows how hard that is. In fact, my biggest fear happened. I lost you. I hate losing those I love, and I always fear it. I lost my little sister, I lost some of my friends, and now I've lost you, and now I'm trying to deal with that fear. It something I can't get over. It's just something I have to deal with.
I know this isn't all my fault, so everything can be worked out somehow. We don't have to get back together. Honestly, I don't even want that at the moment. I just want us to be at least friends and be good friends again, because it's driving me nuts that it's just silence between us.
i just want to be friends. we don't even have to get back together, but i need to know you're ok. i know you're angry at me in everyway, i wouldn't see why not. i really messed up. I wish I would have been more stable and neutral. Things would have been ok. I'm sorry I wasn't stable enough. I've never taken heartbreak this badly before. I wish I could turn back time and just, when it first happened, I still should have been hopeful. I don't care how much you hurt me. Honestly, I don't. You seem to forget I did it to you too. But I was willing to make everything up.
When I'm angry, I say things I don't mean. You know I didn't mean what I said. We get at each others throat sometimes. It's life. Doesn't mean I didn't love you.
Remember what I wrote in your postsecret book? It was the truth to the fullest, because no one has ever done that for me.
I'm sorry I cracked when I talked about my sister and everything went downhill from there. Honestly, I'm very sorry. It's just I felt really comfortable around you, so I could tell you anything possible.
Yeah, you know, even being honest, I somehow overreacted. I should have been more neutral about everything.
And you know, I remember how much I wanted to be like you, and it made me sad that I feel like I couldn't, and you always told me not to worry about it and it's good for who I am. And you know what? I realized, you're right. It's good to be with someone who has differences because it makes them that much more interesting and cool to be around. I was just too naive to see that because I was so sucked into other factors.
It's like everyday, there's a thought of you in my head, and I'm trying to let go, but I can't. I'm just trying to cope with everything possible. I want to text or call just to know you're ok.
I know you're angry at me. I would be too after all what happened. It's just, I tried so hard, and everything I was doing wasn't working at all.
I feel like I failed, but I really don't know.
I hope you forgive me. And I hope we can talk soon. I would love to leave a text or call, but I'm afraid you'd never get back to me. I know you said we need space and maybe we do. I don't know if it's killing you but it sure is killing me in everyway. But maybe it's for the best? I honestly do not have a clue.
This has honestly been one of the hardest weeks of my life. It's like right below my sister passing away, so everyone knows how hard that is. In fact, my biggest fear happened. I lost you. I hate losing those I love, and I always fear it. I lost my little sister, I lost some of my friends, and now I've lost you, and now I'm trying to deal with that fear. It something I can't get over. It's just something I have to deal with.
I know this isn't all my fault, so everything can be worked out somehow. We don't have to get back together. Honestly, I don't even want that at the moment. I just want us to be at least friends and be good friends again, because it's driving me nuts that it's just silence between us.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I am Content.
I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content. I am content.
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