urgh.

just fucking tell me. what's on your mind? tell me the truth, cause it's causing me more pain you not saying anything. you know who you are...

Too Late.

I wish she knew how bad I was hurting. I haven't felt this lonely in my life, ever.

Maybe this will teach me to treat someone with better respect next time, if there ever is a next time.
Agh, my heart hurts way too much. All those stupid mistakes I made, all those choices that I regret, and now there's no going back. I'm just too late. I made some of the stupidest decisions of my life, and this is my punishment for doing so. I can't even explain how much I'm hurting, but I can't let her know how much or even that i'm in pain. how am i going to be able to hide this from her?


never mind, disregard that :)

Chapter Less Than Three

I'll never forget the time that I first met you at the show. I didn't think of you for the two times I saw you, but it wasn't until I heard what you did to cause me to take a huge chance with you. One that made me stronger and one that taught me a lot. We have had many good memories together, always giving kisses and hugs, saying good night and good morning every day, and missing each other like any lover would.

No one's perfect, but this sure felt very close to it. I've spent so many cute ideas on you, but nah, that never ends. That's just how I am. I buy things for people. I make things for people. I like spending money on people. It's something I do. Of course I'll do it more for the people I really love.

I know that we ended up loving each other so much, and to this day, we still do love each other and we're there to take care of each other. I know the last month or two has been really hard for the both of us, but we still tried to get through it. But the decision you made started to make me go crazy, and for two weeks too! But what I didn't realize is you're taking this hard too. We both were. We both still really wanted each other, but it seemed too stressful, and actually for the both of us.

A realization- We're still growing up. It's sad and happy to say this part of our lives isn't even the hard part. I'm glad however this didn't turn as ugly as it could have. Keeping our space caused me to lose my mind. But people helped, and I finally got the last of everything to you, my final confrontation for peace. I let my heart lose control for once. I've never felt like that before. I forgot what it was like to be a friend and lost it. I've never lost so much control as to deal with something, but we're finally at peace. We figured everything out. And as I left, I knew you still cared for me a lot, as the same with me.

It was like a movie as I was going away, and waiting for friends to pick me up. The sun was giving me all its warmth and love as I stood there realizing that this was the end of this chapter, and that I could finally breathe again and know everything was going to be fine, no matter what. And I'm able to do that now. I am at peace knowing that you're ok and that I am too. Sure, we lost our sanity for a bit, we both put each other through a lot through this and our own stress already, but we did it. Even if we aren't together, all I care about right now is being friends. That's all I care about, because being friends with you makes me more than happy. Who knows, something really good could happen with the both of us again, cause I'll never lose the piece of my heart that has you in it.

We can both start a new chapter in our lives now still being able to be friends with each other.



EPILOGUE

I didn't expect it to get any better, but it let me know even better when you apologized to me, and I was able to do the same. It made me feel good you sent that text and that we were able to talk again. And it was sure that we were friends again leaving happy faces in the texts. And the fact that we can talk to each other whenever we want makes me even more happy. Now we can take our lives in other directions and still be a part of each others lives, and in a happy way too. You have no idea how joyful that makes me. We've figured out the steps we have to take right now, and I'm glad that we can still help each other out whenever we can and whenever we want, can say a hi to each other, and still hang out. It's beyond great. Who knows what the future holds for us. To get back together or to find someone else? Who knows, just being able to be friends with you is more than I could ever ask for <3

Release my Heart.

I haven't been able to deal with this. My mind nor my body can't even function right. I've been getting really sick when I eat, or feeling sick because of stomachaches. I feel like I have no motivation left, no passion, no anything left.

Grrrrr. She doesn't fucking understand! When she starts dating some other jerk (although she said she won't and she probably will for rebound or to just get her mind off me because we need space) she'll realize that she'll miss me, and to be honest, she'll probably be too late, so that's her fault! she doesn't know how bad i'm taking this, or what it would have been like if she broke up with me. She doesn't understand that I have really hard emotional problems and mad depression. I've felt so sick in my mind and body for over a month straight now, and my body is continually hurting. I don't think I can take much more of this.





I really think I need to go to a therapist and be medicated. She never thought I needed that, but than again, partly the reason she left me was because it was too stressful to see me go through this, so apparently she wanted me to stay strong when I'm way to weak to right now. She doesn't understand one damn bit. She's too close minded to see that.


I can't be alone for too long, or I start losing it. I wish I didn't have to sleep alone at night...

.

I don't belong anywhere at all. enough said. end of story.

Lost in the Stained Glass.

I want her back. so bad. and my hope this weekend - crushed.

i really hope she says what she means because otherwise this could turn out a lot different. but then again, she has to make the most honest decision ever, so she'll have to do then i guess. Still, I want to finish that painting in my heart again, and fill whole. I don't necessarily feel empty at all, of course that's not the problem. The problem is that I have a hole, and it doesn't want to be filled up until a final choice is made.


I need to have that painting in my heart finished before I decide to move and expand the colors of it.