Cracking the Mind.

I didn't think I would actually start really losing it, but I really am now. I never thought I would crack. Oh no, Joey's so strong, I'll always be this way. I'm the one that has to take care of everyone else. I'm the strength of the family. I'm the one, the key, the real key. I'm the one told with the interesting and very fulfilling future. Bullshit. I can't even take care of myself.

Yep, I just cried again. I can't hold myself anymore. I'm losing it. I'm losing it. I'm losing it so badly. I'm really losing it.



I've cracked. I'm such an emotional wreck right now. I just need someone to cry on. I need someone.

Where can I call Home?

Lately, I don't know what's been wrong with me. Nowhere feels like home, like I'm not meant to be here. I've been feeling so depressed lately and I don't know why. I mean in high school and more near the first year of college and such, depression is something I could deal with on a regular basis. Lately though, because I've held so much in within the past 5-7 years, I can't too much of this anymore.

I feel sick to my stomach. I create crappy headaches. My heart's been hurting more than ever, and I mean literally clenching and physically hurting. I'm losing all my energy. I feel this nothingness, and I don't know what to do.

Last week, me and Katie got into a fight, and after we made up, I was still in a bad mood, but at least I could talk to her on a positive note. But seriously, I haven't done this for 9-10 years, but after mentioning something about my sister, I started bawling on her. I really can't explain why. Just something really serious and sad sparked when I said something about Charly, and I just started crying. We were sitting down facing each other, so she just grabbed me, and I just had my head in her shoulder. She's the only person I can do that to I guess, because she's like my caretaker now when it comes to emotional aspect.

I feel so hopeless, useless, and so lifeless lately. Like nothing I do matters anymore. It's been like this for a week or so now. I'm just a big burden.



And great. I start detox tomorrow for two weeks. Well, say hello to me losing a lot of weight probably although I don't want to.

My Roots in Urban.

Look, I'm not the one to really talk about labels, but really, the urban arts have gotten to me. You know, through music, photography, and other cases of art. Example?






and:






with occasionally:



this sort of based-type music. i guess these bottom two can be considered the more upbeat stuff. haha. (I mean hip-hop's alright, but I like this stuff wayyyyy better). and i don't really have any reggae stuff, but i love the music and the way it sounds whenever i hear it. i have a bob marley cd here and there, but i need more stuff. guess that's what amoeba can help me with.



yeah, that's my form of urbanness, although that's not even a word, but you know what I mean. and i know these aren't all urban in our area alone. you have to go elsewhere to understand some of these sorts of music to be urban.

White Hair.

It's weird how one thing can get to you. Everything else could be going so well, and then it's just one thing that hits you right in the face and blocks everything else out, and to add, a small thing (kinda). I really don't understand it.

Stupid Econ class. I hate my Macroeconomics class so much, especially since the teacher sucks. In general, I hate politics and economics, and that's all I've been hearing lately. Yeah, it's a big factor, but for goodness sakes, I'm only 20. What can I do about it? I have no power, and I don't want to hear it. I don't care about secluding myself from the world. It's something that I actually enjoy. And I'm not trying to sound emo at all. Everyone just tries to get you down, so you have to seclude yourself and remember that you're a lot better than that, especially since I'm the one that keeps strong for my family and actually does good in school and am a good friend to most of my friends.


Anyways, that's off topic. Last night, or I should say this morning, I only got about an hour of sleep, and that was on accident. I took about four hour nap yesterday and woke up around 7-7:30 and began studying. I just stopped about 15 minutes ago. Yeah, I've been studying that long, and I'm planning to do that for the rest of the day and stay up the night again and then go to school. Let's also remember I only got four hours of sleep on Sunday, or really, just technically Monday. So basically my sleep is all out of wack.

I don't feel like I deserve anything right now. It sucks because I'm mainly an A-B student, which in the case right now, I have an A in all my classes (with the exception of one, but i'm at a B and I've turned in extra credit and am turning in more extra credit this week, so if that's not an A, than it'll be pretty dang close). But my Econ class is a D, and it seems no matter how hard I try, I'm just getting lower grades, especially after yesterday with th stupid worksheet.
It's strange though because a lot of the class seems to be confused about what's going on, so really, that's the teacher's fault, but now, and I could just be taking this in the wrong way, she makes it feel like I'm stupid because apparently I don't understand this stuff like almost everyone else. If the class average is a 60 on a test, and still up this point no one is understanding too much of the concept, then that's the teacher's fault. So I'm trying my best, but I just feel like an idiot right now.

For the next few days or up until the test next wed, I'm not going to be sleeping much at all, I'm canceling my time of going to Disneyland (sorry Ronni), and I might possibly not go to the Anthony Green show (sorry Katie). This is wiping me out because I feel so stupid and like I'm a bad student. Whatever.


And sorry I haven't been as consistent. Life hits you, ya know?

Alteration.

I figured, I need to start a new schedule. And here's how it's going to go:

-Sundays, I need to start finding a home church I can be connected to with the people and such.
-During the week, I need to head down to the Refuge two to three times a week to start praying. And it doesn't have to be hour long prayers. It can be ten minute, or if I feel led and I have more stuff to pray about, then thirty minutes or more.
-During the week, I need to start taking more photographs and work on self projects more
-Work! Haha, I know I kind of have a job now, but I fear this week is the end of it, unless I actually get hired.
-Start painting pictures when I get free time.
-Begin playing guitar. Acoustic guitar that is. I really want to learn how to play it.
-Really, just do anything art related through music, painting, arts and crafts sort of stuff, writing, etc.
-Obviously go to school, and that's a given along with the studying.


Live a college artists life. Sounds like something I'm going to like.

Battle 0110010100010

So Mario vs. Sonic. Who wins?




I think, Sonic wins, for better nostalgic and growing up reasons ;]