Calm After the Storm.

So maybe this past week and weekend has probably been one of the most down and crappy weeks I've ever had in my life. Ok, so that's definitely an understatement, but the point is made.

Unfortunately, one event I can't tell, but the outcome of it made me realize something. I've never felt so close to Katie in my life. We now understand because of various events that I'll be there for her always, and that she'll always be doing the same, no matter the situation. We're going to hold each others hands and keep progressing. We also haven't had this intense feeling of loving each other more. All it took was this weekend to make me realize that I'm a lot closer to her than I thought I was. I was beginning to become scared that we were breaking off and that maybe not everything was working. I was so depressed because I didn't know what to do for, especially since she had been so down because of her grandpa and his ultimate problem facing death.
In a way, I hated this weekend, but the good thing out of it is that I got to watch and help Katie out in any way I could, and sure enough, I did what I could about that. She is so grateful that I was standing by her side the whole time.

With that said, there's one more bothersome event. All I can say is that now my family can be rejoined in the same house again. I'm just more than glad to know that my older sister is going to be living with us again, and really, with how bad I wanted to cry today seeing her like that, I also couldn't be more happy to know that I'm not alone anymore in this house as the only sibling. Plus, I'm excited me and Ronni can play video games whenever, and I don't have to see her so stressed as she has been anymore, and...


God, I feel like crying typing this. I don't even know what's coming over me. Every thought of this right now is making me feel like this. I'm so sad, but so happy at the same time.

Look, all I can say is I could sense something was wrong, but I could never be too sure of it. Just like I would open my arms for my parents and Katie, I'm just finally glad I'm able to feel like I can do it for my sister again. Ever since the day she moved out about three years ago I think it was, I've always wanted her back home. I've missed her so much. I just can't wait till she comes back. I know it'll be hard for her at first, but I'm willing to take care of her all I can. Just like I'm doing for my mom and dad.

It's like what my mother told me when my little sister passed away, "You're going to have to take care of us now, ok?" I couldn't be happier, but in the moment, so sad to agree.


I have to admit, it's hard. I have to stay so strong for everyone. My dad's at work quite a bit and takes care of the family financially, and I couldn't be happier to have him in my life. My mom's been so drowned in her passion which makes her happy, but even the littlest depressing thought, and she can't control it, and sets in a state of what I consider stoicism and gloom. And then my sister Ronni. I'm going to be honest, but I felt she was lost, for a year or two now. I could feel the pain she had so heavy on her heart, but now she's a lot more free than she used to be. Not only that, it seems that I'm the one trying to keep our family prevalent throughout the rest of our family. I'm the one seeing our grandma most and explaining to her things, even when she cries, and to my grandpa too. I'm the one making the attempt to see my cousins, even if i'm not in the tip top shape to talk to anyone. I have to stay strong for everyone.

It's like what an old friend of mine, Kathleen, said to me, and this is if I can remember correctly, "You're like the pillar of your family. You hold the strength within them." It was something around that context.


I'm a lot more calm now. I got studying done today, and a lot of it. I'm not as stressed out anymore, and I'm doing ok again. Katie seems to be cheered up again, and I know we're both happy with each other again.

This week will start off anew, and I know this will be a better and more relaxing week. Trust me, Ronni needs it, my parents need it, Katie needs it, and I need it.

Concoct the Mental Potions.

Lets lose ourselves in this warp. It's the last chance we'll ever get, because once we're gone, it's the end. We proved we make the world stop and the world go round. We control time. We control space. We control absolutely everything and absolutely nothing.


Today has been a wrecking whirlwind. For once in my life, I really thought I was going to lose it. Lose everything I had and give up on everything. But there's always something that gets me by.

I started out a wreck this morning and stayed in my room, because Katie had been in one of the saddest moods I've ever seen. I had the door closed all day. I didn't even decide to come out of my room till about 4 to go eat, but I had lightened up since Katie wanted me over from not wanting to be alone anymore. I was totally fine by that, and to surprise them, I went to go pick up drinks for her and her sister. Then her sister decided to call me, and what she said ruined my mood. It wasn't exactly from her, but what was going on that night. I didn't want to see anyone else but Katie, so it kind of put me in a down mood. Well, I went there, we went to go pick up pizza, and then came back. It took a while for me to get in a happy mood again, but it sure did when I started tickling Katie a lot. I had to get going because I was meeting friends for dinner at Corky's so I was about to leave, but she mentioned her grandpa and began bawling. I told her I'd come back.

Anyways, so I'm at Corky's having fun with the girls, and I get a very disturbing phone call. It had been Katie, and I knew something was wrong. Katie's sister began punching her for a very stupid reason. And Katie had been crying and wanted me there to calm her down. So I left Corky's early, took my food and left, and we got there, we ended up getting into a fight. I'd say it was my fault for stressing her out even more than she had been. So this went on for a while. By the end up the night though, we laid down, was happy with each other again, and she was going to fall asleep. Hence, it's about 12:30 in the morning now. We kept hearing noises so we wanted to take the dog away from her sister, and she starting making a whole big deal out of it and my goodness she's so stubborn. You can't even get through to her! We're trying to tell her stuff and it's like she's blocking out what we said. So Katie took the dog for protection to go to sleep and I left.

For some reason on the way home, I had a horrible gut feeling something happened, so I called Katie again, and everything was fine, and her sister decided to sleep next to her since the dog was in that room.

So I got home, heated up the rest of my breakfast and tried to get a hold of the girls to tell them what happened. However eating all that was possibly one of the worse ideas I've ever had. I hadn't had such a bad stomach like this in a while now it seems like. And from all of it, on little parts of the rims on the toilet, it looked like I threw up in there.

The Weakest.

I really hated today. All of today. I've been an emotional wreck all day. All I've been doing is going around and around, and I feel sick to my stomach.

This morning on the way to school, I don't know why, but I became so angry. A lot of my past came into my mind and I started to dwell on that. While driving too. It's not a good combination at all. I felt like ramming my car into something. And the mix of that and hearing of Katie's Grandparent's surgery. I don't know, I just deal with things differently.

Class got canceled, and I had bought some hot fries, a drink, and some mint tablets, since I had forgotten to brush my teeth this morning. So I decided I wanted to do something special for Katie then since I didn't have any class. I left a twelve pack of the lipton green tea she loves so much, a bunch of cookies (although I had originally wanted to make cupcakes), a small strawberry ice cream, and fudge bars. She liked that when she got home later after I had left.

When I got home, I decided to visit my photo teacher from high school. That's always good since she's always her quirky and happy self. But man, I hate that school so much. But my sister came over for a while to play some games, but I sense something in her that's a little more hidden. Like something's wrong.

All I've been doing all day is worrying and worrying, non-stop, and I hate it. And I can't help it, that's the problem. And I just don't feel like being around anyone or talking to anyone or nothing. I feel like a bad boyfriend. It's not that I did anything. Actually that's the problem. I feel like I'm doing nothing, and that's wrong. I just don't feel as close as I used to, or as happy as I used to. I don't know, maybe because she's been so down lately, it's gotten to me. I really don't know what to do. I feel so helpless and worthless right now.

New Clothes.

So I've actually been writing on this thing recently. I love it. And wayyyy better than livejournal. I think I'll be able to write more down on here. Plus I like the layout more.

Anyways, here's a few articles of clothing I've been wanting:

D Collection Roger Jacket:



Anchor CPO Jacket:

(lucky for me, these items are on sale right now at Urban Outfitters. Otherwise I'd be like forget that. haha. and you like how i'm getting jackets when it's starting to get warmer. Of course.)

Converse Classic:

I don't know whether I want it in green or what color yet.

Flex Fleece Zip Hoody:

Yes, I know, Purple. I like that color a lot. And I regained it thanks to Katie.

California Fleece Pullover Hoody:

It's either this brown, black, or army colored brown. I'm really loving this shade of brown a lot though.

Hanes T-Shirts:

Yeah. I don't know what colors to get, along with...

Pro Club T-Shirts:

All I need is one of two more of these and I'm done collecting Pro Club T-shirts.

Levi's 511's:

Yeah, I need a new pair of these.


I know that's a lot of money, but eh, it'll all be bought over time, not at once of course.

oh yeah, and a few of these:

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

Goodness, I love this movie so much, but I don't have it on DVD which makes me really sad =[
Anyways, hopefully I'll be able to get it soon because it's something I definitely want in the near future.

In Coming Awakening.

So I decided to create one of these. I don't like capitals all too much, but I feel that maybe I should use them for the purpose of this blogger site and not lead people astray of what I'm trying to get at. Plus, Livejournal wasn't tickling my fancy.

This past week has been an utmost interesting week, and I'm starting to realize the potential I may be able to seek within myself soon enough. Of course, I have somewhat of an ability to photograph certain events at different angles and am able to create music upon the piano, but something else sparked inside of me this past week.

You see, there's this place called The Refuge, and I guess you can think of it as a church, but really, it's not. It's a place for prayer and other necessities concerning the living within Christ and building a foundation of him within the heart. As I've grown up, this has always been my standard, and has definitely created a heart warming place for him to live inside me, but before, I wasn't always the best at showing it. In fact I was probably the worse at it. I could probably have been considered a heretic, a blasphemer. But you know, something awakened inside me last week. Some unexplainable feeling.

I've been having ideas to begin painting again. I mean, in the past, I've only painted one picture as I can remember, and it's ok I guess. I'm not too proud of it. It's just what my mindset was at the moment. But continuing, I've been having the urge to paint once again, and more ideas have been coming into my mind then I can explain. I have to say, now that I think about it, going to that place called The Refuge reassured my feelings about it, in a very positive way. I've always known about The Refuge before, and have gone before, and although I'm not the most comfortable with everything that they may do, I'll be there to support them 110% simply because of their intentions on prayer and other, shall we say, positive artistic factors. Walking into that place simply is just like walking into a complete and perfect art room. Everything you can imagine is there. Instruments such as drums, keyboard/synth, guitar, and bass, going more towards the painting portion, and just the overall soothing ambient waves that pour through your body. Just from walking into that place I felt a presence I've never felt before. It was one of the greatest things I've ever felt in my life though. God's presence is strongly there.

I've walked into churches before and felt absolutely nothing at all, but this place, this place is much different. It's a supernatural feeling that has no words comprehendable behind it. It's just the aura of God's spirit pouring through your body, no matter who you are, and it is the most artistic place I've ever seen in my life.

To be in that place created instant inspiration. I hadn't been in the place since it was finished, since one of the bosses I was working for at the time attends The Refuge, so that was one of his projects, to fix the place up. It is just definitely something I can't explain. And to think I was just there to take pictures of the paintings so they can reuse the canvases.

I've been reading more now. Sometimes I'm stupid enough to forget to read, but reading the bible isn't just reading it. It's taking in the word and trying to soak it in to learn about the teachings of God, so thinking of it in that way definitely makes it more interesting.

But finally what my Photo teacher said is starting to come to me more and more. I've been wanting to write about a book I want to create reflecting me in another character, and situations maybe I've always thought about I could have been in. I have wanted to create more paintings. I want to be more creative in the way I take pictures. I've been wanting to create beautiful piano pieces.

I think I'm starting to define who I really am. A starving and positive artist.