White Hair.

It's weird how one thing can get to you. Everything else could be going so well, and then it's just one thing that hits you right in the face and blocks everything else out, and to add, a small thing (kinda). I really don't understand it.

Stupid Econ class. I hate my Macroeconomics class so much, especially since the teacher sucks. In general, I hate politics and economics, and that's all I've been hearing lately. Yeah, it's a big factor, but for goodness sakes, I'm only 20. What can I do about it? I have no power, and I don't want to hear it. I don't care about secluding myself from the world. It's something that I actually enjoy. And I'm not trying to sound emo at all. Everyone just tries to get you down, so you have to seclude yourself and remember that you're a lot better than that, especially since I'm the one that keeps strong for my family and actually does good in school and am a good friend to most of my friends.


Anyways, that's off topic. Last night, or I should say this morning, I only got about an hour of sleep, and that was on accident. I took about four hour nap yesterday and woke up around 7-7:30 and began studying. I just stopped about 15 minutes ago. Yeah, I've been studying that long, and I'm planning to do that for the rest of the day and stay up the night again and then go to school. Let's also remember I only got four hours of sleep on Sunday, or really, just technically Monday. So basically my sleep is all out of wack.

I don't feel like I deserve anything right now. It sucks because I'm mainly an A-B student, which in the case right now, I have an A in all my classes (with the exception of one, but i'm at a B and I've turned in extra credit and am turning in more extra credit this week, so if that's not an A, than it'll be pretty dang close). But my Econ class is a D, and it seems no matter how hard I try, I'm just getting lower grades, especially after yesterday with th stupid worksheet.
It's strange though because a lot of the class seems to be confused about what's going on, so really, that's the teacher's fault, but now, and I could just be taking this in the wrong way, she makes it feel like I'm stupid because apparently I don't understand this stuff like almost everyone else. If the class average is a 60 on a test, and still up this point no one is understanding too much of the concept, then that's the teacher's fault. So I'm trying my best, but I just feel like an idiot right now.

For the next few days or up until the test next wed, I'm not going to be sleeping much at all, I'm canceling my time of going to Disneyland (sorry Ronni), and I might possibly not go to the Anthony Green show (sorry Katie). This is wiping me out because I feel so stupid and like I'm a bad student. Whatever.


And sorry I haven't been as consistent. Life hits you, ya know?

Calm After the Storm.

So maybe this past week and weekend has probably been one of the most down and crappy weeks I've ever had in my life. Ok, so that's definitely an understatement, but the point is made.

Unfortunately, one event I can't tell, but the outcome of it made me realize something. I've never felt so close to Katie in my life. We now understand because of various events that I'll be there for her always, and that she'll always be doing the same, no matter the situation. We're going to hold each others hands and keep progressing. We also haven't had this intense feeling of loving each other more. All it took was this weekend to make me realize that I'm a lot closer to her than I thought I was. I was beginning to become scared that we were breaking off and that maybe not everything was working. I was so depressed because I didn't know what to do for, especially since she had been so down because of her grandpa and his ultimate problem facing death.
In a way, I hated this weekend, but the good thing out of it is that I got to watch and help Katie out in any way I could, and sure enough, I did what I could about that. She is so grateful that I was standing by her side the whole time.

With that said, there's one more bothersome event. All I can say is that now my family can be rejoined in the same house again. I'm just more than glad to know that my older sister is going to be living with us again, and really, with how bad I wanted to cry today seeing her like that, I also couldn't be more happy to know that I'm not alone anymore in this house as the only sibling. Plus, I'm excited me and Ronni can play video games whenever, and I don't have to see her so stressed as she has been anymore, and...


God, I feel like crying typing this. I don't even know what's coming over me. Every thought of this right now is making me feel like this. I'm so sad, but so happy at the same time.

Look, all I can say is I could sense something was wrong, but I could never be too sure of it. Just like I would open my arms for my parents and Katie, I'm just finally glad I'm able to feel like I can do it for my sister again. Ever since the day she moved out about three years ago I think it was, I've always wanted her back home. I've missed her so much. I just can't wait till she comes back. I know it'll be hard for her at first, but I'm willing to take care of her all I can. Just like I'm doing for my mom and dad.

It's like what my mother told me when my little sister passed away, "You're going to have to take care of us now, ok?" I couldn't be happier, but in the moment, so sad to agree.


I have to admit, it's hard. I have to stay so strong for everyone. My dad's at work quite a bit and takes care of the family financially, and I couldn't be happier to have him in my life. My mom's been so drowned in her passion which makes her happy, but even the littlest depressing thought, and she can't control it, and sets in a state of what I consider stoicism and gloom. And then my sister Ronni. I'm going to be honest, but I felt she was lost, for a year or two now. I could feel the pain she had so heavy on her heart, but now she's a lot more free than she used to be. Not only that, it seems that I'm the one trying to keep our family prevalent throughout the rest of our family. I'm the one seeing our grandma most and explaining to her things, even when she cries, and to my grandpa too. I'm the one making the attempt to see my cousins, even if i'm not in the tip top shape to talk to anyone. I have to stay strong for everyone.

It's like what an old friend of mine, Kathleen, said to me, and this is if I can remember correctly, "You're like the pillar of your family. You hold the strength within them." It was something around that context.


I'm a lot more calm now. I got studying done today, and a lot of it. I'm not as stressed out anymore, and I'm doing ok again. Katie seems to be cheered up again, and I know we're both happy with each other again.

This week will start off anew, and I know this will be a better and more relaxing week. Trust me, Ronni needs it, my parents need it, Katie needs it, and I need it.